Tuesday 18 June 2013

...but what can I do?

Silence is violence. If you see ­something and hear something and walk away, you are telling the victim they’re on their own.” says Change-maker Graham Goulden, chief inspector of Scotland’s Violence Reduction Unit (VRU). (see full article here

If we want to make a change. If we want to create a society where women and girls do not live in fear and oppression; where domestic abuse is not part of everyday life; where religion and culture are not misused to justify wrong-doing. Then we need to speak out against injustices.


"As a change-maker, what can I do if someone I know is experiencing abuse?"
This is a question that often always comes up at our You Can Change This workshops and conversation cafes. I think this a real concern for people that know violence and abuse is wrong; people who see a friend in an abusive situation and want to help but feel powerless to do anything about it.
With 1 in 4 women likely to experience domestic abuse, the sad truth is that someone we know is likely to be experience it.
I wanted to share with you today some helpful tips and some resources that you can turn to if you find yourself in this position...

Let her know you're concerned and you care...
o   Women experiencing abuse may not recognise what is happening to them as abuse – abusers often make victims feel as if the abuse is their fault or they don’t deserve any better.
o   For this reason, and others, it is really difficult for someone experiencing abuse to tell anyone about what is happening to them.
o   It is important that women know they will be believed and supported should they disclose abuse.
You Can Change This: by ‘asking’ her and letting her know you are concerned. For example “how are things at home? I’m asking because I am concerned about your safety and well-being.  I’ve noticed (the bruises/that you’ve been a bit quiet/how tense you are). Sometimes these can be signs that a person is being hurt by someone else. Has that happened to you?”
Show you care by letting her know you believe her and she’s not alone. For example “I am glad you told me. It must have taken a lot of courage to open up to me about this. You do not deserve to be hit or hurt no matter what has happened. I know somewhere you can get help.”

Don’t give up on her...
The nature of domestic abuse means that women experiencing abuse may have low confidence and be afraid of the consequences of decisions they make.
In all likelihood, she might not open up to you the first time you approach the subject. She might also choose to return to an abusive relationship after making the decision to leave.
It’s important that you recognise that these are her choices and part of her journey. It is not helpful to put pressure on her or get angry with her decisions.
Remember that by approaching the subject and letting her know you care, and continuing to do so, you are letting her know there is an open door when she is ready to talk. That small recognition that someone does care and knowledge that there is help available may be her lifeline in her darkest moments and the final boost she needs to get safe.

Call the Police...
Remember you are not the police and it may be dangerous to intervene in a incident of violence. If you are concerned about someone’s immediate safety then you can call police.

xDo not...
x Don’t make thing worse/put her in more danger. If you know her partner, do not collude with him or try to mediate.
x It is important that you don’t use judgemental language such as “Why didn’t you say something sooner?!”

You can also get some more helpful information and practical steps from:
For places that women can go for help see our website!